(Belated) Stinkin' Sports Opinions
By Louis Lalire and Matt Marion
New Bonner
Editor’s Note:
Someone forgot to post these at the beginning of the season.
It was me. File that one under “East Coast Bias”. But please note that these
opinions were formed about a month ago, and that most of them are already
wrong.
Phoenix: 21.5
Matt: All right, I'm leading this fucking talk. OVER,
and let me tell you why. Eric Bledsoe is not only mini-LeBron, he is in fact a
phantom limb of King James. Born from the anger and dejection from the 2007
Finals demolition thanks to the Spurs, Bledsoe's early life was tumultuous. He
lived inside LeBron's conscious; he was LeBron's conscious. The Celtics
tried his patience, pushed him to the edge, and smiled as he clawed air,
inevitably crashing into the ocean of ridicule the media and all of us put on
him. This was the birth (or should I say abortion) of the one and only Eric
Bledsoe. The man whose had the legal name since December of 1989 was IN FACT
infiltrated by the wandering spirit who saw an opportunity in the form of a
freak athlete compacted into a 6'1'' frame who can arguably guard the 1, 2, and
3.
Lou: Um...I'm...under.
Matt: As I was saying...Eric Bledsoe a.k.a. LeBron's
conscious, now exists in an effort to reunite with the two-year-old liberated
King James. This is why I PREDICT LEBRON WILL REUNITE WITH THE CONSCIOUS
FORMERLY KNOWN AS ERIC BLEDSOE AFTER THIS SEASON AND WILL COMPLETE THE ULTIMATE
FORM OF REALITY/FATE/DESTINY/TRANSCENDENCE/THE GREATEST ENTITY SINCE GOD.
Lou: And with that very strange, CAPS LOCK RANT,
welcome to our Western Conference Preview!
Utah: 27.5
Lou: Under, in the battle of beatens, they won.
Matt: Yeah, 0-5, I'm not on any wagon with their name
on it. Did you know Hayward's camp couldn't come to an agreement because he
yearned for a John Wall-esque max deal to make him the face of the franchise?
Lou: Hey, I love anyone with irrational confidence.
Here's looking at you, Norris Cole.
Matt: This roster is like a clan of illegitimate
children that father potential is sorry it brought onto the world.
Lou: Hey, I like Favors and Canter. You’re one to talk
that way about potential. Need I remind you of your proposed Hibbert-Bynum-Oden
trade?
Matt: Which one was that?
Lou: When you hypothetically suggested you’d trade the
Defensive POY for four broken knees…
Matt: Hmmm, I
don’t recall.
Sacramento: 31.5
Lou: I'm under on
Sacramento.
Matt: Over. I don't
bet against Boogie.
Lou: That's a
stupid stance.
Matt: McLemore
looks good.
Lou: But is he any good?
Matt: I don't know.
Lou: Me either, I
don't really pay any attention to the Kings. Let’s move on.
Matt: Not even with
Shaq?
Lou: Especially not
with Shaq, unless he changes their name to the Queens.
Matt: What if he
convinces Divac to finally give the NBA a team name based off a Shaq nickname?
Lou: What would it
be?
Matt: ...KAZAAM!
New Orleans: 40
Lou: Gotta go under
on this one. Maybe in a few years...
Matt: Over! Reek
Havoc motherfucker!
Lou: Are you
referring to Tyreke Evans?
Matt: The exhiled
King? Yes, I think he'll dominate...the basket. Yeah, he'll play the one...or,
the two...or, he'll do something. Not sure how he fits in. But he’ll do
something.
Lou: The second
headline on ESPN for the Pelicans is: “Pelicans can't defend anyone, fall to
Jazz.” Meanwhile congratulations to the Jazz on the first victory of the
season. They'll come far and few between. Under. Under. Under. (Editor’s note:
See how old this is??!!!)
LA Lakers: 33.5
Lou: Over. Let me
preface the Lakers by saying, Steve Nash, my favorite player, looks like he
should start spending more time in his Vancouver Whitecaps minority owner's role. They're getting more quality minutes from Jordan Farmar.
Matt: Over.
Lou: Jordan Farmar
played in Turkey last year. Turkey. Wait, I'm convincing myself into an under I
think...counterproductive...
Matt: Hey, Turkey's
got a solid basketball league.
Lou: I think the
Lakers season boils down to a Jodie Meeks/Nick Young shooting
competition...until Kobe comes back and murders them both.
Matt: Like
figuratively?
Lou: No. Jodie
Meeks and Nick Young will go on a camping trip together, a camping trip where
they're allowed to shoot as much as they want...and never come back. Kobe will
orchestrate it.
Matt: It'll be like
Deliverance in Northern California.
Lou: Except with
much less teamwork.
Matt: The Lakers
just seem like one, large suck hole.
Lou: And yet, we're
both going over.
Matt: What have we
done?
Lou: Matt, let’s
not think about it. I know you’re a big soccer guy, and I’m a big Steve Nash
guy, so let’s watch Steve Nash doing cool soccer things on a beach instead:
Portland: 38.5
Lou: Batum
EXPLODES!
Matt: Under. I
don't know anyone who plays for Portland besides Aldridge and Lillard.
Lou: Um, Wes
Mathews, Caveman Lopez, BATUM...
Matt: I was trying
to make a joke about CJ Mcollum, but then I just felt bad for him...It does
seem to be the year of Aldridge though.
Lou: This is a
playoff team. Over, over, over. They'll definitely win 40.
Matt: Do you think
Bill Walton likes the Celtics more than the Blazers?
Lou: What a strange
question. No.
Matt: I do.
Lou: He likes Rip
City Bitch, Rip, Rip City Bitch.
Minnesota: 41
Matt: They have to
be healthy, but over.
Lou: Not true. All
You Need is (Kevin) Love.
Matt: Beatles...but Kevin
Love is related to a Beach Boy.
Lou: Then the
Timberwolves are going to be on a Surfin' Safari to the playoffs.... ...Groan.
Matt: I want to
give a shout out to Robbie Hummel's knees.
Lou: God Only Knows
if he'll ever be healthy.
Matt: Groan.
Lou: But seriously,
I'm getting some Good Vibrations about this team.
Matt: Just stop.
Lou: Wouldn't It Be
Nice if Derrick Williams could, you know, do anything productive?
Matt: Yeah—hey,
that's another one. Let's just move onto Dallas.
Lou: Oooh, Dallas.
Fun, Fun, Fun.
Dallas: 44
Lou: Under. Monta
has no friends.
Matt: Under. Dirk
has no friends.
Lou: Well, that's
that.
Matt: Cuban has no
friends.
Lou: That’s mean
what you said about Dirk.
Matt: They’ll
probably go over in spite of us.
Denver: 47
Lou: Under. I am
superconfident in that too.
Matt: Under. George
Karl just needs a year to rebuild.
Lou: Ummmm...
Matt: Oh, yeah.
Who’s there coach now? Under.
Lou: Whenever you
revolve a team around JaVale McGee, that's going to be an under for me. Here's
the ultimate JaVale McGee play: he makes an amazing, athletic block, celebrates
for entirely too long, the ball goes out of bounds. The offensive team gets it
back, immediately hits a three.
Matt: It's the -1
pt block. Classic.
Lou: It's not even
really his fault, but because it’s JaVale, it is.
Matt: Under. Yeah,
they're bad.
Memphis: 49
Lou: We both had
over at the beginning of the season, you know, when you're supposed to do this
sort of thing.
Matt: Yeah, but
they're 3-5...And losing to bad teams…And 49, that's a lot of wins...
Lou: Don't be a
pussy Marion. Over.
Matt: Under.
Lou: Gotta stick to
your guns. Even if your guns are shooting blanks and a coked-out Z-BOW is
charging at you like a maniac.
Matt: That's when he's at his best.
Lou: I'm stubborn.
I said over at the beginning of the season and I'm going to stick with it.
Matt: I have no
pride in what I said a week ago. They’re not winning 50. Under.
Golden State: 49.5
Matt: Klay
Thompson's stroke is immaculate. His positioning skills are ecstatic. His
footwork is off the charts. If there were a pie chart for player possessions on
Golden State, Klay Thompson would have the biggest piece.
Lou: Because he's
always high, and always hungry for pie.
Matt: You know what
else is high? His field goal percentage.
Lou: All right.
Someone likes Klay.
Matt: Kent Bazemore
is the best bench celebrator in the league. Over.
Lou: I'm over too,
if Curry is healthy. And Bazemore keeps the energy up.
OKC: 50.5
Lou: 50.5? Are you kidding
me? That's a little low.
Matt: Definitely
over. Russell's a freak of nature.
Lou: I think he's a
starting guard on my “Don't Give No Fucks” Team. Westbrook plays with a huge
chip on his shoulder all the time: he doesn’t care who you are, he wants to run
past you, run over you, score on you, and then spit on your corpse when he goes
back on defense.
Matt: What's the
starting lineup?
Lou: Russell, Lance
Stephenson, Boogie Cousins, Chris Paul (only in the 4th quarter) and
Byron Mullens (cough token white guy
cough). I know I have two point guards in there, but you know what? I give
no fucks.
Matt: Byron Mullens
gives no fucks. What about Nick Young?
Lou: He's still
camping...anyways OKC is going to win 51 games, easy. I feel like they're going
into this season with a chip on their shoulder. They’re the “Give No Fucks”
Team of the Year, perhaps. And even win they're playing shitty teams like the
Jazz, they're going to bring it like it’s a playoff game.
Matt: They’re one
of like 3 teams in the West that actually tries on defense.
Lou: Speaking of
not trying on defense…
Houston: 54.5
Lou: Under. Because
I resent their ranking. Because they haven't shown me a damn thing.
Matt: Didn't you
hear, dude, they have Linsanity?
Lou: They have the
worst defending perimeter I have ever watched with Lin-Harden-Parsons.
Matt: I’m going
under, just because I don’t like Dwight. I feel like I just wouldn’t enjoy his
company.
Lou: Stand back
people, professional analysts at work here. Professional analysts.
San Antonio: 55.5
Lou: Under. Timmy's
on “the program” and Manu is no longer Manu.
Matt: Timmy can
still dominate even though he's getting limited minutes. He's still the biggest
ecstasy dealer/user in San Antonio, and his enthusiasm/touching/hugging of
other players is a commodity the Spurs can't do without.
Lou: Um, it’s a
good thing were almost done. Things are starting to get…weird.
Matt: Lou, face it.
Things started weird.
Lou: Kawhi Leonard
should be even better this year.
Matt: What a banal
statement. I just learned banal a few days ago. I'm working it into the
rotation.
Lou: Don’t roll out “banal” on my comment. My predictions may be
wrong, my hatred for Norris Cole may be ill founded, my comments may be crude,
but god damn’t, they’re not banal! Did you claim Duncan does ecstacy?
Matt: More like a
statement of fact.
Lou: Did you know
Matt Bonner wears New Balance shoes?
Matt: Matt Bonner
a.k.a. Bonn Squad a.k.a. Red Mamba a.k.a. Red Rocket…
Lou: New Balance
should come out with a Matt Bonner line: New Bonner. How many hipsters can you
see rocking New Bonners?
LA Clippers: 57
Lou: Over.
Matt: Really? Under.
Lou: They got my
boy J.J.
Matt: I actually
have learned to enjoy Redick as a basketball player, at least he's self-aware.
Lou: Their offense
looks potent.
Matt: You know
who's falling out of favor with my personal opinion? Doc Rivers. Has a coach ever
been traded before?
Lou: You can't
trade coaches. The reason it took so long for the deal to go through is because
Doc was like the kid who does something bad in plain sight of the parent, then
watches the parent watch him and waits to see if they say anything.
Matt: Hand caught
in the cookie jar. Is the parent David Stern?
Lou: Yes, and NBA
Title Hopes are in the jar.
Matt: I thought he
just wanted a cookie.
Lou: You know why
he went to LA?
Matt: Why?
Lou: Women, Weed
and Weather.
Matt: Why did Jared
Dudley go?
Lou: “They all come for… From all around the world for…”
Matt: Stop singing.
No one can hear you.
Lou: Jared Dudley's
a pretty goofy dude don't you think?
Matt: Blake Griffin
may be goofier.
Lou: DeAndre Jordan
is goofier-er.
Matt: Are we done
yet?
Lou: Are you
seriously asking or are we going to make fun of Ice Cube?
Matt: No I’m
seriously asking. I’m starving.
Lou: “Don’t it sound clever? What more can I say?
Welcome to LA!”
Matt: We’re done.
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