A Night at the Theater...or, uh, A Day at the 'Mike
By Matt Marion
I
never saw “Avatar” in theaters. I didn't get to experience the nation-wide
satisfaction of having witnessed the best 3D-movie ever. Sure, I suffered for a
few months, but, eventually, it was released on DVD and luckily I have a friend
who buys DVD's. I watched it on a large flatscreen and soaked it in. After I
watched it I was awestruck, but without that nation-wide satisfaction.
Gravity
was my second chance. Respected friends and online critics raved for Gravity.
“It's a ride.” “An adventure.” “Alfonso Cuarón's space epic.”
I
arrived at a movie theater that required a distant memory to recall ever being
there. A shady Carmike Cinema lay undisturbed by the main road traffic,
allowing its inhabitants of mostly 60-somethings a safe hole to burrow into.
Exiting my Oldesmobile—driven by 60-somethings (I'm in the right place!)--gave
me a sense of camaraderie given the makes and models I was surrounded by. The
Carmike, or The 'Mike, as I've learned it to be nicknamed, offered a particularly
casual way of doing business.
Why
pay before you can come inside? It's cold out there. Come in, come in. While we
fill your bucket of popcorn to the standard 5 lbs., why don't you tell me what
movie you'd like to see. Oh, that rather large drink size to your right,
towering above the insignificant smaller portions? Yes, it is a liter. No, the
two liter doesn't come out for another month. Check back in when “Catching
Fire” premiers.
After
meeting with my party of 5, we entered into the hole that so many crave in
order to escape. Little did I know, this hole opened into infinity.
Through
my admittedly untrained eye for critiquing film, I would like to ask for
forgiveness of ignorance ahead of time. With that said...
Several
flashes nearly made my eyes permanently roll in the back of my head. Was this
Gravity at its finest, showing an ability to literally make the body illicit a
physical response? No, it turns out the source was just a few previews
involving a fresh-off-the-knife Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman getting away
with being a retired Oscar winner, and some other guys I don't remember (I just
wanted to mention Red and Gordon). There was also Rocky VII, where Sly seems to
pick a fight with his former trainer, Mick, who comes back via time travel into
his 70-year-old fighting prime, played by another retired Oscar winner.
Eventually
the lights dimmed, I was cued to put on the glasses, and I was transported to
(I think) the Hubble Space Telescope. The rest is 100,000,000 dollars worth of
3D magic.
I
can't say much for the narrative, because other than Bullock's hyperventilating
and Clooney's too-cool-for-school-veteran-among-veterans-astronaut captain
persona, this movie really lacked in the story department. But the graphics,
whoa buddy! This movie could unleash an interactive theme park ride that'll
dick slap whatever Universal Studios ends up giving Avatar in 2016.
What
this movie sacrifices in plot, it more than makes up for in an emotional
experience, which is something I feel only an incredibly vivid 3D movie can do.
We all hang at the mercy of ZERO G's with Bullock, mutually relieved by
Clooney's voice. We sympathize with her hatred for that damn space tether and
its unyielding fibers. The terror of colliding space stations exists in silent
screams, mouths open but only for sucking in breath. It feels like Bullock has
an insurmountable speed bump every 15 minutes of the movie. Every time the
audience thinks, Oh, a space station, surely there's other people she can
re-group with, surely she'll have a training montage to get ready for Russian
space debris, surely—All wrong! She doesn't even get to land okay.
My
favorite part of the film was the ending. Not that I was waiting for it,
although Gravity makes you want to get off the ride the first time because you
don't know if you're ready for what Cuarón's going to do next. But
that's okay, because when it is over, you're glad you did it; and you'd do it
again.
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