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Sunday, November 3, 2013

NBA Over/Unders: Eastern Conference

Stinkin' Sports Opinions

By Louis Lalire and Matt Marion




Example: Philadelphia 76ers: 16.5 wins
               If we say over, we think they will win 17 or more games.
               If we say under, we think they will win 16 or less games.

As far as we know we at least have a 50% chance of getting each of these correct.


Philadelphia 76ers 16.5 Wins...
Louis: They're already 3-0!!! And leading the East!!! 
Matt: Best team in the NBA! Over! (Editor's note: Opinion has been compromised by their scorching start) 
Louis: We were both going under before the season and, since I have some respect for myself, I'll stick with it.
Matt: Hey!
Louis: Nothing else needs to be said about this team. Unless you're a diehard Thaddeus Young fan. We'll move on. 


Orlando Magic 24.5 Wins...
Matt: I have sympathy for this team. Over. Sympathy for everyone except Jameer Nelson.
Louis: Sympathy pick. Sucker. I'm under.
Matt: I like Vucevic. I like Oladipo. I like Nicholson. I don't like Jameer Nelson.
Louis: Me either. I feel like he was mean to JJ Redick--that's the imaginary locker room narrative that plays out in my head. Terrible court vision for a point guard too.
Matt: He's an awful passer.
Louis: I'd say they should trade him, but the only other point guard on the roster is Ronnie Price.
Matt: Bring on the Ronnie Price era!!! It's his time.


Boston Celtics 27.5 Wins...
Matt: Under. Wait, Chris Humphries makes more money than Rondo?! 
Louis: Mikhail Prokhorov is working on a whole 'nother level. 6 points and 5 rebounds a game? That's worth 12 million a year. 
Matt: But I like Brad Stevens. He's going to reload this roster.
Louis: They don't care about this season. Under. They'll be entering the Andrew Wiggins sweepstakes. I don't think Rondo is a Celtic at year's end. 


Charlotte Bobcats 27.5 Wins...
Matt: Al Jefferson already in full tank mode.
Louis: He's on board. MJ isn't.
Matt: I'm ok with MJ there. He's just an over-competitive asshole. It's worked out for him so far...
Louis: Not as a GM. Under. 
Matt: Over... ... ...Damn't, well...
Louis: (He's having second thoughts.)
Matt: I'll stick by the over. That's the mark of a true Charlotte Bobcats fan, even when you know you're wrong, you still believe!
Louis: You're getting the Hornets back. Be happy. Breakout year for Bismack Biyombo?
Matt: Breakout year for Bismack...wait, no, I thought that was last year...breakout year for MKG. Hear me now, breakout year. He's just such a nice guy, can't he have a breakout year?


Milwaukee Bucks 28.5 Wins...
Matt: Giannis!!!!!
Louis: Over. This is a playoff team.
Matt: After two games I'm reeling back on Giannis though. Maybe a couple less exclamation points.
Louis: I'm all in on Giannis. And Larry Sanders. Not so much on Brandon Knight, but this team is winning 29 games. Over or Under?
Matt: Over.
Louis: I think they're going to win 40 games.
Matt: ... ... ...all right, Lou.

Giannis!!!

Toronto Raptors 36.5 Wins...
Louis: You do not want to fuck with World Peace. That's dangerous. What an oxymoron his name presents. Anyways, I'm going under.
Matt: Under. DeRozen and Gay are getting traded.


Atlanta Hawks 40 Wins...
Louis: Under. 
Matt: Even. Because that's just the team they are.
Louis: You're just playing the odds...I really don't feel like talking about this team.
Matt: They're front office is saying Jeff Teague can be the Hawks' Tony Parker. He's a Wake Forest guy!
Louis: You just keep telling yourself that.


Cleveland Cavaliers 40.5...
Matt: Bynum's playing! Over.
Louis: They say he has potential.
Matt: I say he can cash in checks based on potential at least until he's 32. 
Louis: This is a tough one. But I'll go over. Because of Uncle Drew. Uncle Drew will be cashing in checks long after Andrew Bynum.

The Face of Potential.

Detroit Pistons 41...
Louis: Over. Definitely over. They might win 50.
Matt: They have a solid mix of young guys and veterans.
Louis: Shout out to the name "Kentavious." What a name. 
Matt: They're an Over. Easy one.
Louis: Brandon Jennings and Rodney Stuckey are the key. What are they gonna give you? 
Matt: Brandon Jennings' wisdom tooth hurts.
Louis: Is that supposed to be a double entendre? He'll overcome it. 5th best team in the East.


Washington Wizards 42...
Louis: Over. And after two games I already regret it. They're defense just disappeared in the 4th quarter against Philadelphia.
Matt: Under. Okafor was a moral center, figuratively and literally. Has everyone just forgotten about Otto Porter?
Louis: Wizards Coach Randy Whitman on Otto Porter: "I don't know who he is."
Matt: Ouch.
Louis: I think we can just assume that every pick the Wizards make is going to be a bust, except John Wall. I'm all in on Wall this year. I'll take the stupid turnovers in stride, he's fun to watch.
Matt: You're a little biased.
Louis: #BulletsForever


New York Knickerbockers  49.5...
Matt: What a squad! I don't even know how they have organized practice. Just look at the personalities. I just want to know what the Metta World Peace and JR Smith conversations are like.
Louis: This. Roster. Makes. No. Sense.
Matt: There one Rasheed Wallace away from being the weirdest, most entertaining basketball team in NBA history. Under.
Louis: Mike Woodson will just shave his eyebrows again and keep them in order. And yet, I'm still under.
Matt: The Knicks might not win 50. But the fans...the fans will win every night. 


Brooklyn Nets  52.5...
Louis: Russia takes over New York! 
Matt: Mikhail Prokhorov: unaware of the luxury tax.
Louis: He gives no fucks. We've reached the first team that I think has a chance at an NBA title.  
Matt: I don't see that happening.
Louis: I don't think it'll happen, but it's plausible, It's within the realm of possibility.
Matt: I don't see it.
Louis: Matt...ANYTHING IS POSSSSIBLE. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyjOy7fRzs0
Matt: It's all right, Kevin, It's all right. I'll go with a slight over.
Louis: Over.


Indiana Pacers 53.5...
Louis: Ladies and gentlemen, you're 2013-2014 NBA Champions.
Matt: Not a fan of the Pacers. I really don't want them to win.
Louis: They're 10 deep!
Matt: They gotta lot dudes! They're deep and tall and tough. But I'd rather have Bynum than Hibbert.
Louis: You sure you want me to put that statement on the internet?
Matt: If I had the trade option of Hibbert for Bynum and Odom and all their potential, I'd take it. I don't know why'd I want two centers, but I'd take it. What can I say, I'm a sucker for potential!!
Louis: Roy Hibbert breakout year alert. Over.
Matt: Over.


Chicago Bulls 56.5...
Louis: That's too low. Over. This team is going to win 60, barring major injuries.
Matt: I agree. Over.
Louis: They're just solid, what else is there to say?
Matt: Best regular season team. I'm happy Carlos Boozer finally admitted his hair went away and stopped using spray paint.
Louis: Probably my least favorite Duke player. 
Matt: I don't care for Boozer, but he's a bald man and I have to respect it.
Louis: Jimmy Butler breakout year alert?
Matt: The year before the breakout year alert. 


Miami Heat 60...
Matt: Under.
Louis: The 1-2 start affecting your decision?
Matt: Yeah, it influenced me. Bosh is definitely their second best player now. He needs to step up. More than 50% of this team won't be there next year.
Louis: Woah! 
Matt: I don't think they win the title and the result will be that the team will be broken up.
Louis: The end of an era...god, I never want to hear the phrase "The Miami Heat Era..." Like, ever.
Matt: Battier, Allen, Birdman, Bosh, Lebron. All gone.
Louis: I just want Norris Cole to go away. He needs to fade into irrelevancy. I miss the days when bench players were humble. I am NOT a Norris Cole fan.
Matt: Is that who we're going to end the Eastern Conference talking about? Norris Cole?
Louis: Under. But as long as Lebron's Lebron, they could three-peat.
Matt: And the "Miami Heat Era" will be a thing.
Louis: The more I think about it, this team is the perfect "Great Sports Dynasty" of the Justin Beiber/Miley Cyrus era. They're just so lame.
Matt: And what a backhanded compliment!

Louis: Go Heat!



WESTERN CONFERENCE coming soon...

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